Happy, Happy Holidays…

Yes, the holidays were happy! While Teresa and Elliott threw away Christmas (see link to Teresa’s blog), I kissed 2007 good-bye; or maybe I cried 2007 goodbye. Either way, it was difficult, even with the happiness of the holiday season, to not have occasional thoughts of…this is my first Thanksgiving as a cancer patient, this is my first Christmas as a cancer patient, etc. It brings a new perspective to whether or not you’ve made the most of past holidays and what will holidays of the future hold for you…Teresa and Elliott came the last day of school before break, and I picked them up at the airport on my way home. Funny, but Teresa’s bags arrived and Elliott’s didn’t. How do two people get on the same plane at the same time, and one’s bags arrive and the other’s doesn’t? The airline gave Elliott a 6-hour window for delivery…sometime between 7:00 pm and 1:00 am. We decided to go somewhere nearby to eat so if they called Elliott’s cell phone, we could be back home in a couple of minutes. Chapala’s fit that bill. We almost got off to a rocky start; while looking at menus came the comment that I looked “radiant.” That must be the latest joke at the Senior Center or the Looney Tunes Bridge Club for when someone is undergoing radiation treatments. I quickly asked if we wanted to get this visit off to the same start as the last one with the memorable, “I liked you better when you were sick” comment. We all got past that moment, but it could have gone the other way. In retrospect, I think a cancer patient can have a sense of humor, even make funny/joking comments about her own situation, as this blog pretty much reflects. Sometimes, though, when the joke comes from someone else but it’s at the expense of the cancer patient, she may not find it all that funny. She could possibly even take offense. Think so? The rest of the visit was great. The next day, Teresa managed to choose a bridal gown with the presence of her three sisters and her mother along for the shopping…all of whom were happy with the final selection. The next celebration was John’s birthday, that same day, held at Jay’s house. Imagine John being 35 years old, who would have thought? Christmas Eve was at Sue’s. Unfortunately, John had to work; but everyone else was there. Unfortunately for me, John drew my name so I had to wait until the next day for my gift of two seasons of “24″…exactly what I asked for; and, just kidding, no big deal that I got it the next day. The grandchildren received all of their gifts from the family. I think two weeks later Ana was still saying, “More presents, more presents!” We had dinner, and everything was great. Christmas Day was at Jay’s. Every day that I go to work, I wear the damn wig. Oh, I know in the beginning I talked about how it was the same colors as my hair and close to the same style. Big deal! I hate that thing! I can’t explain why, I just do. When I’m not at work, for the most part, I don’t wear the wig. I’ve never figured out how to do the scarf thing so I wear hats, mostly baseball style, but different colors, etc. For Christmas, thinking it was just the family, I wore my silver baseball hat. No one had bothered to tell me that other “people” were coming to Jay’s, as well. I pouted when I realized others were coming and no one had told me and I would have worn the damn wig if I knew. I can’t really explain why, except this…People can know you have cancer [I prefer to think that I don’t have it any longer, as Danette pointed out to me way back in the spring at Goolsby), but when you wear a baseball cap and it’s obvious you’re bald, it seems to make more of an “I have cancer” statement. I don’t want anyone to look at me with sympathy or pity or whatever you want to call it when you see someone who has something that you’re sure can’t happen to you so you feel sorry for them. That’s why I would have worn the wig. Not to mention there are a couple of “people” who would be likely to show up at Jay’s that I’m not overly fond of…actually just plain don’t like them. Not the most Christian thing on one of the most Christian days of the year; and what about making the most of the holiday, considering the past year? Somehow, I got past the bad feeling; and the high point of the day was probably watching all of those adults play the Wii so that their arms were going to hurt for a week. Teresa and Elliott left the day after Christmas. From that point on, I mostly stayed on the couch. I accomplished almost nothing, except for one or two small projects. The more you sit on the couch, the more tired you get, and the more you want to sit on the couch. What a waste, but I must have needed the rest because I got plenty of it. For New Year’s Eve, Joe and I drove to Laughlin following my daily radiation treatment. We had lunch with his old friend Bill and Cindy, who once had Hodgkin’s. The talk was mostly about cancer and not very inspiring. For days after, I was feeling lumps under my arms and taking my temperature for fear I had pneumonia…all things that happened to Cindy. When we went up to the ballroom for the New Year’s Eve dinner, we were directed to a table. I didn’t completely dress up, but I went with the silver hat and other silver, glittery stuff. When Joe left the table for a minute, the lady one seat away said, “I love your silver accents.” I thanked her and then she said, “I see you’re going through something right now.” I responded, “Yes, but you still have to be jazzy.” I thought, “Oh, no, enough cancer talk for today, and you probably have no idea…” Instead, she said she’d had liver cancer 15 years ago and was a survivor. A little later, walking through the casino, someone was poking my back from behind. When I turned around, a lady caught up with me and while passing pointed to her hair and said, “It’ll grow back, see?” Here’s the thing about all of this…everywhere I go I meet cancer survivors. There hardly seems a family untouched by it anymore. BUT, let’s be honest…there’s a whole group of cancer people I’m not meeting. Remember that riddle about where do they bury the survivors?…in Canada or the United States? Of course, they don’t bury the survivors, but they do bury all those folks whose obituaries read…after a long, courageous battle with cancer…well, you get what I mean…My New Year’s Eve date didn’t stay up until midnight, but I stayed down in the casino just for the pleasure of hearing the countdown, seeing all those balloons drop, and hearing/seeing the happy people welcoming in 2008. For a few moments, though, it must not have made me happy because tears rolled down my cheeks as I thought about what 2007 had been like for me. In my heart of hearts, I know my year could have been a whole lot worse; and I could have not even been around for 2008. I’m very grateful that I could stand in the middle of a casino on New Year’s Eve and see the new year arrive. Maybe what made me the saddest was thinking about what the year had meant for Krista. Now, I don’t mean to slight any of my other children by saying that; but maybe because she’s the youngest and she went through everything with me (not that the others didn’t), I couldn’t help think about what I (not really me, but my illness) had done to Krista’s 2007. I know my cancer had a profound effect on all my children, and I’m not trying to diminish any of their feelings. I know they each had to find their role in my cancer; and they all did, and they all came through for me. I guess before all of this happened, I would have thought that Krista would have been perhaps too devastated to be of much help; but it turned out she was always there and always knew exactly what to say. She took me to the angiogram…that might have been the worst I was…on the way there telling her not to forget this and don’t forget that…like I was going to die during the procedure (which I pretty much thought I would). She went with me to the biopsy when I was still a babe in the woods as far as medical procedures were concerned. She spent the night in the hospital with me following the mastectomy. She went to the chemo treatment with me when I was crying in the parking lot bef
ore even going in….Yes, it was quite an emotional year for my youngest child; but as I said in her birthday message, she was my rock in 2007! I think a few tears was an appropriate enough way for me to usher in 2008. So, See Ya, 2007! Glad you can’t darken my door again! With the beginning of 2008, I still have radiation treatments to finish and a year of Herceptin; but that seems simple compared to what I’ve already done. We finished off my two week break with a celebration of Krista’s birthday at Macayo’s. Of course, it’s Teresa’s birthday, too; but we have to send her our greetings. Krista invited the family and some of her closest friends and Luke, whom I do believe has gotten the “boyfriend” distinction. That’s pretty big! I’m almost done with radiation treatments, and I will happily chronicle those activities in my next entry. Happy New Year, Happy 2008!