Going Through Something…

I’ve been experiencing something. I don’t know what to call it, maybe a depression, but not really. Patti could have told me it was coming. It happened to her daughter. You can’t describe it. You’re angry; you’re sad; you’re scared; I guess you’re grieving. It doesn’t make sense after the high of being called a survivor by your oncologist, but what about cancer does make sense? After proving I could be bigger than life…Superwoman, Wonder Woman, whatever it was I was trying to prove…disfurging surgery, horrible chemo, and 25 daily radiation treatments. Barely missed any work, taught all my university classes, ended a relationship with the only man I’ve ever loved, took little to no vacation, hardly skipped a beat, did not pass go, did not collect $200…Where did it leave me…in a funk. Kind of like an old Sinatra song …I was riding high in April (Fabuloso Survivor preparing for Race for the Cure), shot down in May…However, unlike Sinatra’s words, I did not change that tune, I was not back on top, back on top in June. At least, when nothing was shakin’ come this here July, I didn’t roll myself up in a big ball and die. I wanted to roll myself up though and just drop out. I saw Dr. Manno at the end of June and asked him about how I was feeling. I said, “Just tell me it’s normal, and I’ll be fine.” When I had my meltdown the night before Teresa and Elliott’s wedding, both Kathi and Krista said I should see a counselor. I asked Dr. Manno about that, too. Basically, he said what I’m going through is normal. He mentioned scenarios of other patients. He said if I spiraled down any further to come back, and he could put me on drugs. He said he didn’t think I would want to do that because I’m a teacher, and I depend on a clear head for thinking, reading, and teaching. He’s right; I don’t want to take drugs to feel better. He said I could get hooked up with the counselor at Nevada Cancer Institute, but I didn’t do that either. I’ve, of course, researched “Grief after Breast Cancer” and it did help to know that it really does exist. I do believe I have it, grief that is, well, now I think I can say I had it. I could not write during all of this time because of how I felt. I was afraid of what would come out of my head, my heart, and my fingertips if I wrote about how I felt. Now, I can. I was resentful of how I looked for the wedding…short grey hair with no bangs to cover my forehead…But then I would think that a year ago I didn’t think I’d be around for the wedding, so I should be happy with my ugly hair because at least I have hair. During the last few months, it was impossible not to think back to…last year at this time…yadayadayada. When the fourth of July came, it was the anniversary of having what was left of my hair buzzed off…not happy memories, but, ah, I’m around to think of them, right? So, I just filled my days with work and my evenings with back-to-back summer school classes three nights a week. I spent the weekends on the couch; and now I believe I’ve recovered…maybe. Some magical new something got a hold of me today, and I’m not in a funk. I know it will never be completely gone. I imagine that’s the life of a person who’s experienced cancer…always scared that it will come back, always that little voice asking, “Why me?” Dr. Manno says to just not ask that question; there is no, “Why me?” I didn’t do anything to deserve it; it just happened to me. So, I’m out of the something I was going through. Each time I find myself laying flat on my face, I just pick myself up and get back in the race…Thanks, Frank. And, Thanks be to God.

Uneventful…

Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about…Uneventful…three days off, no drama, no problems…doesn’t get any better…

I am feeling a little crazy right now though because I’m listening to a playlist on my ipod that I never tried before. Jay loaded all this music on the ipod. I usually listen to one of two playlists, All Time Favorites or Mello. The one I’m playing now is 80’s Music. I guess I was too busy during the 80’s to listen to popular music, For example, right now there’s a song playing that’s called Love My Way by the Psychedelic Furs. I’m sure I’ve never heard of them before. Earlier, I tried a playlist entitled Johnnie’s Favorites…you do not even want to go there…Let’s see, speaking of Johnnie, he ditched me for dinner on Friday night. So annoying when you call his cell phone and it goes right to voicemail, especially when you said you would call at that time to solidify plans for dinner. Fortunately, I had an invite from Krista to go to Happy Hour. Know any other 28-year-olds who would invite their mother to a happy hour with their co-workers? Actually, I had a good time, and I finally saw what Town Square looks like. I thought it was a mall, but it’s actually similar to the District in Green Valley. I went into one store, H&M; and I know there was nothing in that store that would fit me or at least have enough fabric to cover all the places I like covered by clothing. I haven’t had a very productive weekend, but remember…no drama, no problems makes for restful time off. I watched T.V., including The Chamber by John Grisham, a book I started and never finished. Ever since I got cancer, I’ve had a hard time finishing novels. I doubt there’s any correlation. Maybe, you just can’t stay focused on something for long periods of time, when you have the fact that you have cancer on your mind. However, I never had any problem playing Mario Bros. Pinball on my Gameboy or playing video games in casinos. About the Gameboy… a long time ago I bought a Nintendo DS (pink) and started playing the Big Brain Academy to improve my chances of getting Alzheimer’s later rather than sooner. I quickly tired of trying to master the activities in the Brain Academy and set the DS aside. For Heaven’s sake, I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner because I knew I could use the Gameboy games in the DS; but I finally put the Pinball game in the DS. It’s a whole new world! Everything is brighter, more colorful; and I see details that I never knew were there before. Back to T.V. watching this weekend. I love marathons of Law and Order. I don’t even have a favorite…Criminal Intent, well, Goren is pretty crazy; but then on SVU, Stabler’s pretty crazy, too. They both have their demons…who doesn’t? So, besides yesterday’s T.V. watching, I went to church. For some reason I like the Guardian Angel Cathedral so I try to go to 5:00 Mass. Now, I’m not one of those people who runs out before the priest leaves the church, but I do like to get out before the church is completely empty. Yesterday, I went into the pew and sat by the wall. The last lady to sit in that pew, sat next to the aisle. She not only stayed through every last verse of the last song; but, even then, continued to linger. The church was about emptied out by then, maybe ten to twenty people left; and I was still trapped in the pew. If you’re going to stay until they turn the lights off and blow out the candles, sit next to the wall, Louise! I try to at least get out of the church and the parking lot feeling all Christian and good. Let’s not rub people the wrong way before they’re even out of the building. Today, Susan, Kevin, Jason, Krista, Kathi, and I all met for coffee near Kathi’s new house that she just moved into so we could then go see it. Wow, it’s huge for one person and a huge back yard that I didn’t think was possible to find in Vegas anymore. Kathi has very unique taste and has some wonderful looking pieces. The funny thing is Susan says they once looked at that same model home and thought it was too big a house for all three of them. Everybody’s different. That’s what makes life so grand. O.K. I’m about stoned out…Rolling Stoned that is. I think an entire album of theirs has been playing straight through my writing. Funny thing, a little while ago, I read Teresa’s blog entry for today. It was about random things. Now, I’ve written a bunch of random stuff. It must be the long weekend or something, because I definitely have not been drinking dark beer. I went to look for something to wear to the wedding today. I started with NordstrumRack. I ran into a Harmon teacher there, and I could tell it was not going to be a productive shopping day. Instead, I decided to get my nails done, but the shop was closed. That’s an outright miracle. The husband and wife owners never, I mean, never close. They are open seven days a week, and they keep their two young sons there with them in the back room after school and all weekend. This is a pet peeve of mine and other Harmon teachers who get their nails done there. It doesn’t seem appropriate for the boys to spend so many hours there. I think Priscilla has even informed them that they could register the kids in a Safekey program after school. Good for her, but they’re not taking her advice. I finished the three teacher evals that were pressing on me. I’m off campus tomorrow, and the evals have to be completed and signed on Wednesday. I don’t think I should have to do work at home, but I surely can’t get everything done during my work hours. As Connie said when I was transferring to Harmon, “You’ll never work as hard in your life.” There’s never a dull moment at Harmon, but that’s another story. Oh, thank goodness, we moved on to Sheryl Crow for a moment, and all was right with the world. Now, it’s Talking Heads and Tears for Fears. I think I’ll go watch some uneventful, random Law and Order.  

A Shot in the Darkness…

I haven’t had or maybe haven’t taken the time to sum up the Race for the Cure. It was a great day. The weather was just right, and the one-mile-fun walk was perfect. We all met downtown. Somehow, we missed Kim. I think that’s because she was going to do the 5K run and had to start earlier than the rest of us. Getting through the crowd to the Golden Nugget Starbucks took longer than expected, so we were running late to the meeting place. Oh, we missed Kelly, too but later found out she didn’t make it. And we missed the Gordons and the Rizzutos. We raised over 1,800 dollars and so appreciate all of our team members and donors. There were some ironic moments as people, who didn’t know each other before the race, came together for this wonderful cause. For example, I heard Krista giving directions on the phone to Marissa, a teacher at Harmon; and they had not yet met. Then there were the Paskes and the O’Keefes with “Nana Dottie” signs on (That’s what Olivia has always called me). Nikki, a teacher at Goolsby was nearby and asked if it was the same Dottie she knew. There were great connections and moments to celebrate that day. “A shot in the darkness” is another one of those wonderful phrases that could only come from a six-year old. I do get some of my best material from kindergartners. Lately, J.J.’s family thinks he’s turned into quite a little philosopher, summing up the habits of his uncle, the state of happiness of his grandmother and that of his grandfather, and other wonderful life meanings. Personally, I believe he’s just restating, in his own way, what he hears adults talking about. The shot in the darkness was, however, not a comment related to the meaning of life. For a moment, though, just indulge me…Let’s see…Life is good; Life is like a box of chocolates; Life’s a bitch and then you die; Life’s a game; Life is like a bowl of cherries; Life is the sum of all your choices. I’m going with: Life is a shot in the darkness. In what context did J.J. use this wonderful new slogan I’m adopting? Actually, we had been playing around with a basketball on his outdoor court, so to speak, earlier in the evening. After dinner, when it was getting pretty dark out, he said, “Let’s go out and take a shot in the darkness.” Gotcha!……From that happy note to a sad one…yesterday was the service for Bobbie’s husband, John. He died of brain cancer at the age of 45. I guess we could add to the sayings above that “Life isn’t fair,” but we don’t really know that, do we? I said here a few months back that I couldn’t begin to imagine what Bobbie was going through; and I still can’t. I’m sure they knew for months that John’s situation was terminal; yet, somehow they coped with that while still having hopes for a miracle. The overflow crowd at Palm Mortuary spoke of the vast amount of love that people have for John and for Bobbie. She addressed the crowd and kept it light and even drew laughs which further demonstrated the kind of love and relationship that she shared with her husband. I know from the past year of my life that somehow, no matter what, you dredge up the strength to get through. And I’ve surely come to believe that God has a plan for each and every one of us; and like it or not, the plan is in place and will be carried out. Today, I was watching one of my favorite movies, Random Hearts, and the female character, during her husband’s eulogy said, “We had so many great days, just not enough years.” I surely thought of Bobbie when I heard those words, because for some reason the 22 years was all she was going to get. I know she will treasure them and find great strength from them. Steve provides me with thought-provoking words of wisdom, and one he said recently seems to fit here: people come into our lives in many ways…for a reason, for a season, for life. Although Bobbie believed with all of her heart that John was for life, it turned out that he was for a season; and she must go on without him for the other seasons of her life. Speaking of J.J. being a philosopher, it must be catching…I’m in way too deep today; I think I’ll go take a shot in the darkness. Ciao!